Clegg sets out elderly care plan

Welcome, my friends, and it makes me so happy

To see quite so many of you here,

To remember quite how many of you voted for me,

To survey quite how many of you I have succeeded as

Leader of the Liberal Democratic Party and

Shadow Spokesman for getting elected.

Today I wish to talk about a subject close

To all our hearts (or, in the case of my right honourable

Friend, Sir Menzies, your shiny new pacemaker),

Yes, I want to talk to you about mortality,

Or, as I like to put it, age. I have a dream

That age can be golden. That Britain can be

An old country again; a country for old men.

(Fine recent film by the way. Well, my wife,

Who is of immigrant origin (Latino, well, Spanish), said

It was very good indeed, and now it has been nominated

For eight Academy Awards, which just goes to show.)

I want to talk about age. My age. Your age.

Care for the wrinklies. Surfin’ the silver.

My policy is to treat the old well,

If they vote for us, and if they join the party,

And become Shadow Foreign Affairs Spokesman,

And Leader, I hope to take them firmly by the hand

(Firmly, yet gently), and steer them, gently,

(Gently, but firmly) to beautiful Fife.